Remember when I first started this job and had nothing to do? And so I’m all: Shit boy, this is my big chance to start a fancy anonymous blog! FI-nally I have the time to do something super-meaningful with my life! And then the world became prettier and more awesome as a result? Is this ringing any bells? Well now THE MAN is trying to CENSOR my overwritten and maybe pedestrian online diatribes by cramming my pie-hole with work and I for one am PEEVED OFF SUPREME. [Note that when you yourself are a fat white American male working in advertising that THE MAN in this case is a fatter, whiter, more American male who PLAYS GOLF AND SUCKS.]

So copywriters are quitting in droves because they’re smart, leaving me to pick up all the slack (and P.S. are you a copywriter looking for work? Because we’re hiring! And I know you can’t wait to join the team and then have me blog about what your pee-noise sounds like as I hide in the next stall and take notes on the industrial-sized roll of toilet paper! Welcome! Welcome to the family!) and it’s like: O you wretched taskmasters, how’s a man supposed to keep up on Kottke news AND take notes in the bathroom AND steal drugs from the first-aid cabinet AAAND maybe cry a little bit when you keep making him think up new ways to say “click here”? Why are you so selfish?

Anyway but what’s plaguing me today is that I’ve been working here for 1.5 years and 1.5 years is the longest I ever worked at any company (thanks internet economy!) and I’m scared to break new ground. Going beyond 1.5 years means that I could be here Indefinitely, and I’ve never been anywhere Indefinitely. Indefinitely could easily turn into five years, ten years. I don’t even like boning Indefinitely — who am I, Sting? So crossing over into 1.6 years creeps me out. Now people are coming to me asking how to do their timesheet or where Jack Shit sits or who is generally known to suffer from venereal diseases and I’m all I DO NOT KNOW FRIEND I AM STILL NEW HERE I STILL HAVE ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR CAN’T YOU SEE THAT etc. I am shrill and easily startled.