Thanks a lot, internet, for getting my hopes up. I really appreciate it, internet. Oh you stupid internet. BITCHFACE INTERNET. Why do I keep forgetting that you are run by people who look to Lord of the Rings for political philosophy. (“Even the smallest hobbit can make a difference!!!!!”) Oh I am done with you, internet. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again next week when my “that sassy Alice waitress nude” google search turns up hot nothing — I am DONE.

OK yesterday I’m reminded that to be an American is to be both arrogant and incompetent (you’d think one would cancel out the other! so weird!), and the problem is then I come in to work at an ad agency. And if you’re already thinking “our country is fuckola’d,” the last place you want to walk into is an ad agency. The last thing you want to have to do is sit in a meeting and talk about how to coerce people into buying more processed cheese, because then it’s really hard to dodge the fact that you are The Problem. Yes I’m using second-person to distance myself from the horrible truth — it’s the magic of writing.

So I looked around for a new job, as I do every evening while unwinding with a paper sack and some floor tile adhesive, and I see Victoria’s Secret is looking for a copywriter, and all of a sudden I love our country again. There is hope, there is a way to improve your life and the lives of your fellow citizens. The dream is still alive.