Sometimes my life will be too rich and hearty to allow me the necessary ten minutes it takes to write in this space, so I’ll just jot down what I’d like to cover when I next get a chance. The most recent note went: “wacky rants about cellphones! what the world needs now!” And it was so despairing and sarsasstic that I had to just sigh and have bad posture. But the fact is that I did finally get a cellphone last week after five years of eschewing and berating them, and I still feel like an A-1 cock when I flip it open, but it did come in handy when Trini’s tire blew out almost as soon as we got the phones fired up, and when we were on a little 300-mile roadtrip and needed to call ten towns ahead to order some food as we blazed through. Also I can now lie awake late at night, obsessively worrying about which ringtone might best symbolize my individuality and belief in personal freedom, as Sailor says.

Anyway this roadtrip was to one state over where T-Bill and I got blood taken out of our arms to be tested for syphilis, which evidently is necessary for a marriage license in the quaint old commonwealth in which we’re having our wedding. As you know, I’ve long fancied an addiction to intravenous drugs but after the vague dread and queasiness that went along with the nurse tapping my arms for veins — both arms; it took her two before she found something usable — I decided to stick with old tried-and-true pills, liquids, powders, transdermal patches — really anything else.

So when I’m not thinking about ringtones (I’ve settled, for now, on the Mario Bros. theme song), I’m thinking: Man, what if I actually have syphilis?

DOC: I’ve got some news. Take a belt of this rye and this kleenex and get ready. ME: Give it to me straight. DOC: You got syphilis, son. A _lot_ of it. ME: But I thought only chimneysweeps got that! DOC: Wake up, you sad bitch! ME: What can I expect. DOC: Horrible rashes and mucus-spewing lesions like something out of Lovecraft. Blindness. Going batshit crazy. ME: Great, that’s just what I need in my life right now. Wonderful. DOC: There may be a cure. But the side effects may be even more terrible than the disease itself. ME: I’m listening. DOC: Did you ever watch … THE BIONIC WOMAN????? ME: Aw yeah!!!!

I don’t even know what that means. My playwriting career is totally in the stinker.