So I’m sitting there on the commode, a little bit sad because ever since the guy in the wheelchair started working here I’ve felt a little guilty about using the extra-large wheelchair-friendly stall, because what if he comes in and needs to use it, like posthaste? Some sort of terrible scene would have to play out, a scene with a tragic ending, I’m thinking.

But anyway I’m sitting there and I glance over and see a single piece of graffiti on the stall wall and what is it of? A realistically rendered penis w/balls? Someone’s phone extension being fraudulently advertised as a way to get low-cost illicit conversation whilst masturbating? A limerick? A smiley face? No. No, dudes, it was the company logo. Somebody sat there, pen in hand, and thought: “Hm! How shall I deface this bathroom stall? Thinking … thinking …! Oh wait I know!”

OK so this means the employees are either so creatively stunted that when called upon to doodle they can only come up with that symbol they’re always seeing on their business cards, or they’re so committed to toeing the party line that even their cutesy rebellions get funneled back into a company message. Which I guess is what you’d expect, working in advertising.

When the boss from the company that’s taking over our company came in and gave the “Hello I Am Friendly!!” speech which I’ve heard on several occasions before (seeing as every company I’ve ever worked for has been bought out by somebody), he described himself as an “insecure overachiever” and I realized this was the phrase I’d been seeking to describe my company. We make web banners but have to pretend like what we’re doing is Important, and Respected, and Innovative, and we must be Passionate, and we must Bleed For this company, and I’m all: “Hold the horse, my friends, I just finished up writing some copy about hemorrhoid ointment. Perhaps it’s time we dialed down the self-importance, gentle sirs, what say you.”

I mean, what’s wrong with treating something as a day job? Day jobs are perfectly respectable. We’re all here to make rent money by tricking people into buying things, right, so why try to elevate it? Is it because you’ve been forced to admit that you’re never going to be a writer or painter or CEO because you’re not good enough and anyway now you have to fake-tan your disappointed spouse and be emotionally supportive of your ever-growing brood of white gangstas and so a) you need lots of cash and b) you’d rather work long hours than go home to that, and c) you need to pretend that making web banners is somehow meaningful or else the weight of a lifetime of failure and shame will crush you right to death? Yes of course it is! Ahaha I figured it out.

Because see I’m a secure underachiever and I believe it’s not only a privilege but a responsibility to draw a nice hairy penis on the bathroom stall and not use that sacred canvas for yet more branding. Consarn it I guess I do stand for something after all. USA!