the house of wigs #44 · filed 08/25/04 · transcription enedina brunecz
Well I’ve officially worn out the word cunt when yelling at my fellow drivers — omg if you can even call that driving!! Vehicular rape more like!!!!! I mean it served me well for many months, besting the previous champeen: “I shall blog the shit out your sorry driving tonight!” But I just shrieked it on my lunchbreak and it didn’t make me feel any better. “Hang up that cellphone and shove it up your bitch-ass cunt along with your Oakleys!” or whatever (my rage-fueled rants are typically not complete sentences like that — usually just your standard string of made-up words formed from various swears), and it just sounded tired and perfunctory.
And that’s the thing — when every single person on the road in this ill-advised and unnecessary state is a bitch-ass cunt — and make no mistake, I freely use that term for any and all genders (which reminds me of this nice piece of copy I had to edit yesterday: “All players AND spectators must be 21 years of age or older. This includes children of all ages.”) — and I’m forced to advise them all of this fact, it just starts to get old after a while. It requires sustained focus and energy and anyone who’s had sex with me can vouch that those are not my strong suits.
Maybe it’s time to get back to the old tried-and-true method of leaning on the horn and pointing at the offending driver, dead-eyed, expressionless, like: “I have identified you. I will see you again. Maybe not tonight, maybe not next week, but someday I will appear, and I will punish you for your transgressions. I will maybe beat you with a rake, I don’t know yet.”
Anyway today I had to listen to some audition tapes from voice actors, which was pretty rad. They have little clips from a variety of shitty radio ads, and I was surprised to realize that the same woman who does the Slutty Beer Commercial Voice is also the one doing the Flat Nasal Midwestern Mom Voice. And it only takes one man to do Wacky Sitcom Promo Voice and “In A World” Movie Trailer Voice. My hat is off to these fine performers who toil in obscurity, their talents taken for granted, their evenings filled with richly timbred sobbing — oh my guy just like mine!!