There are these new “please put litter in its place” sort of signs in the men’s room, which I assume are code for “please make every attempt to shit more or less inside the bowl and then please flush thoroughly, gentle sirs,” but today there was a new addendum, not an official-looking laminated card like the litter sign but something obviously hand-made on an office printer, and it says: “AND WASH YOUR HANDS UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE ASKED PUBLICLY BY NAME.”

So it looks like — and correct me if I’m wrong — but it looks like someone took it upon themselves to threaten his (I must assume the gender is male — how else could the culprit have gotten inside this sacred temple of masculine peace and solitude?) co-workers of Scarlet Letterish humiliation. Which is fine, I’m all for draconian hygiene enforcement and who isn’t, but it seems like a crucial policy change and perhaps dangerously ill-defined. I’m wondering what ASKED PUBLICLY BY NAME entails. I’d assume a succinct email to the whole company but now I’m starting to think this guy would really be gunning for a live castigation, maybe at the next company meeting, unfurling a scroll and loudly reading out the names — “We the people kindly ask that JASON KOTTKE do us a favor and wash the urine and/or feces from his hands before leaving the bathroom, thereby preventing the spread of disease and stench throughout the office. Please don the Abu Ghraib hood and stand nude upon this stool for the remainder of the day,” et cetera.

If I had to make a guess, it’d be that sort of creepy guy from Accounting — which I know is a total cliche at this point, and I’m sorry for reinforcing stereotypes, but he is a guy from Accounting. He is unsettling, and his pants are too tight, and he’s almost always in the bathroom doing a great deal of brushing and flossing, with a kind of OCD-style fervor.