Cokehead at work asks where I would go if time-travel was like an actual reality and I say 1978 Seattle to hang out with Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart. I play them an MP3 of “These Dreams” from their self-titled 1985 LP and talk about the corsets and the hair and how in the video Nancy has to lean way over while playing guitar, using her titties to distract viewers from Ann’s ever-expanding girth, and how Nancy will end up marrying the kid who wrote Fast Times but then I’m all: Doy, that movie hasn’t even come out yet!! And you fine ladies don’t even know what a video is!!! So there’s total egg on my face but they lick it off with lesbian kisses, & cetera.

Sweet baby james christ every morning, every morning I get “The Greatest Love of All” stuck in my head thanks to this face cream or emollient or depilatory wax or skin astringent or whatever it is Trini has in the shower. Here, it’s this. And even though I turn the label around or hide it behind a shampoo bottle, it’s at the point now where just being in the shower triggers the song and it’s like things are ragged and bleak enough in the mornings without the soundtrack ok.

And the thing about this product line is it’s trying to be sort of new-agey and touchy-feely, and has vague spiritual messages on its various tubes and bottles, but there’s something off about it. I mean: “The greatest love is within your sacred heart.” That’s too heavy, Eugene Levy. Then I read the fine print and saw that the company is in England and I was all: but of course! Jolly good! Good show! Spot on! Bloody sausage! Because surely the British can’t do new-agey stuff I mean surely. It requires a temperate Californian climate and like a patchouli-scented family wagon and whatnots, so they can’t hack it and have to fall back on old C of E chestnuts like “where there is hope there can be faith” and “amazing grace is the person who lives in a state of love, forgiveness, and total compassion.” It’s like tone it down ten notches I’m just trying to exfoliate over here.

But anyway my favorite part of “TGLoA” — everyone’s favorite, probably — is “I believe the children are our future,” because of the “are our” part which echoes the haunting cry of the Harbor Seal and kind of adds a seaside vibe to the whole thing.