This morning in the shower, as I vigorously loofah’d, I thought about maybe getting drunk at work. One of my bosses at another job always kept a jug of vodka in her desk (vodka which I used to euthanize our dying office goldfish, where “euthanize” meant, in this case, sending the fish into paroxysms of agony instead of the quick, painless death that our in-house fish “expert” promised) and I always thought that was a good office supply to have in stock.

I know going out for ten-martini lunches is perfectly acceptable behavior, and I’ve certainly been drunk at work before thanks to a corporate kegger or the like (“No, you have a dangerously lax attitude toward your work that will — SHUT UP! — that will result in your immediate termination,” etc.), but I never poured myself a nice, bracing shot or two right here at my desk.

I was thinking I could camouflage it somehow like a real alcoholic, maybe sneak in a flask to spice up the morning coffee I don’t drink, but then I was all: Why bother? Get a cocktail shaker, whip up some Old Fashioneds, lurch against the cubicle wall and chit-chat with the neighbors. It brings people together, you know? Meetings are funnier, irritating habits become endearing, and killing time by reading weblogs suddenly makes you feel better about your life and the state of humanity rather than worse. I’ve been sitting here pondering it and can honestly think of not a single drawback, not a one.

I always wince when I say “not a one,” which is never, because I made a movie with some friends back in college and there’s a scene where a crimelord is on the phone to my character and he asks if there’s been any problems with the devious and illegal plot we are undertaking and it cuts back to me saying: “Nothing, not a one,” and then I kind of look off in another direction and maybe suck on a tooth or something and it just seems so obvious that I’m not talking to anyone on that phone at all but am instead acting like it.

Speaking of, I was approached here at work by some people who make a monthly video about company news and happenings, and it’s like a fake newsprogram sort of thing, and they typically interview new hires as part of it. And the interviewer likes to write funny little scripts to liven things up, and I just had to look at him with pity as visions of the various home movies I’d worked on flashed in my head: me running around a park in a dress, brandishing a sawed-off shotgun; me filming a three-way sex scene complete with boobies and weenies; me, covered in fake blood, dancing with a steel-drum band in the middle of a sizeable crowd of confused tourists; me making a pass at my strapping young son as he showers, etc., etc. So it should be a real hoot. I’m looking forward to it.