Finally fucking found the water cooler. I’m working at this joint almost two months now (and yet am still relying on the “I’m the new kid” excuse for incompetence and awkward social encounters) and just now I learn there’s a water cooler. The hell. I’m all: “This place needs a water cooler this very instant. This no-water-cooler thing is sincere bull-crap.” And then my cubicle-mate says she thinks there’s one in the secret mini-kitchen over by HR. You know, the one with the popcorn machine? And I’m staring at her like she just lifted up her shirt and showed me a mutant baby head living in her torso, like in Total Recall.

So I hustle on over to the secret mini-kitchen, which is unfortunately kind of a hike, and totally hidden — in fact, with the door closed, it looks like maybe a storage room or something under the stairs — and sure enough: water cooler and popcorn machine. I’m laughing in astonishment, arms akimbo. And by popcorn machine I don’t mean one of those little plug-in air poppers, I mean a fully operational popcorn cart: a big glass case on wheels complete with buttons and switches and seven-step instructions and a little cupboard underneath to hold kernels and salt and paper popcorn-sacks. I haven’t yet worked up the nerve to operate it, but when I’m fired I’m going to cart that thing out of here and make some extra scratch down by the playground.

But I’ve operated the shit out of the water cooler, boyo. Up till now I thought if I wanted delicious cold water, I’d either have to pony up a dollar for a bottle from the vending machine or kick it tap-style. But now I make numerous pilgrimages over to the secret kitchen, because, hey, sorry, I like the water. Water and me, we’re like this. Here’s another plug-in joke: cross your fingers and say “we’re like this,” but then wiggle your thumb and say, “I’m the one over here.”

My co-worker just asked me how to spell maneuver and I did but then went on to say “unless we’re talking about OMD, in which case it’s manoeuvre.” And she was all: “OK, thanks for the extra info.” But I don’t think she meant it.