I spent maybe 20 minutes on the toilet yesterday. Dude, I totally just wrote the quintessential weblog opening line. Anyway, I wasn’t “going #2” (in fifth grade there was a hugely successful running joke about having to go #3 [#1 + #2] or #5 or #7, each with their own definitions, with I think #12 being just flat-out gastrointestinal detonation), I was just sitting there, wanting to spend time somewhere beside my desk.

There’s some Nicholson Baker book where he’s a temp, maybe? And he describes how going to the bathroom when new on the job is an important time, a time of respite and quiet contemplation — the only time you can really be yourself, letting your work-face slip off?

This is absolutely true, although Mr. Baker neglects to mention (I think … he hardly ever neglects to mention anything) how you have to sit and listen to other people go to the bathroom, which is a real mixed bag. The highlight yesterday was the guy who peed for so fucking long that I was convinced he was pouring something out of a barrel or large urn. Also there were like three or four false endings which made the whole experience seem even longer.

The good news is that someone prints out pages from the current day’s ESPN and/or Ad Age websites and scatters them on the floor of the handicapped-friendly stall for all to read. They’ve been there every time I’ve visited. It’s sort of the closest our sad, modern world can get to a Johnny Appleseed.

You know, if I was reading this site instead of writing it, I’d be all nervous that there was some creepy guy at my office skulking around and taking notes for his creepy website. You know every tech-related company has at least two or three these days.

Something else that I think I might’ve learned from N. Baker was how to deal with the problem of pee-shyness, like when you’re standing next to someone at the urinal and can’t quite get the show started. The trick is to imagine that you are peeing on somebody’s head — whether it’s a friend or foe or celebrity is up to you. I guess the psychology is you’re so focused on this imaginary scenario that you forget to be nervous about reality and biology takes over. It may be unsavory but when you’re in the clutch, you go with what works.