In case you were doubting that I’m working for a dotcom throwback, that such a thing could even exist, let me just say I’m currently sitting in an Aeron chair and leave it at that. And it was only today, in my fourth week, that I started to play with all the knobs and wheels. I assumed they didn’t really do anything, that they were just there to give you the illusion of control, like the buttons you press to make the crosswalk light change. But I just raised the armrests up to desk-level and it’s like holy shit did I just go to ergonomic heaven or what just happened here.

The thing is, the desk chair I have at home is sucky and one armrest broke off about two years ago and now all I do is hide in the bathroom stall and think about how I could sneak one of these Aerons out to my car. I think the key will be to act annoyed, like: “Great, now I have to take this chair out to the parking lot for some reason. They are working my last good nerve,” etc.

The other day my mother called me here at the office and after hanging up I muttered*, for the benefit of my cubicle-mate, “How’d my mother get this number?” And I think I made the same joke when my mother called me at my last job, and maybe every job before that.

This made me realize that I’m not particularly funny, I’ve just built up a vast library of plug-in jokes, little stock components that can be quickly called up and used in a variety of situations. “That’ll be me in five years,” “If I had a dime for every time I heard that,” “That’s what they called me at the Institute [or: at my frat],” “I had that once but a doctor gave me a shot and it went away,” et al. Basically variations on “That’s what she said,” which is sort of sad.

My dreams last night involved ghosts and huge marble colonnades and slicing up animals with a samurai sword and John C. Reilly. What would make a good movie is totally fucking scary when it’s a dream.

*_Mutter_ is German for mother!!! I’m not sure what the significance of that is but I felt _super-compelled_ to point it out. AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE—