In my mind’s eye, the idealized Reader Of This Site is a big, fuzzy, amorphous, super-interested and -supportive monster who is always leaning forward, always nodding, and always about to say something but then never actually does because I always say what they’re about to say right before they even get a chance to say it! Which makes the Grimace kind of character laugh and clap its furry, declawed paws with delight. And then it gets naked and does whatever I say!!! Ignore that last part, that was supposed to be written in lemon juice and only visible to secret club members.

Speaking of, I don’t know if I’ve ever had a successful sexual encounter in a dream. I mean, that’s just sad. Case in point is last night, when a woman approaches me and strikes up a conversation. It turns out that we went to middle school together (in real life — this dream character was based on a real person whom I only vaguely remember and I’m pretty sure was never sexually interested in and in fact I think she pre-dated any sexual interest on my part, in anyone, at all) and I’m like: Oh gosh! What a coincidence! But it turns out to be no coincidence and that she engineered the whole meeting and has lascivious intentions!

Then there’s a vague dream transition, and cut to: The Next Morning. She’s gone. I’m alone in bed. I’m wondering what happened. I hear groaning from under the bed, take a look, and see a male friend of mine, also based on a real person, curled up in the fetal position, cursing me for getting him involved with a 17-year-old prostitute. I protest that she can’t be 17 since we went to middle school together, so we must be roughly the same age, and then I realize: My unconscious totally skipped the torrid sex scene! The sex scene that evidently got so elaborate that it had to pull in a third partner (again, not someone I’d particularly want to have sex with or even see without a shirt on, but still) and was so overwhelming that the third partner mistook a 30-ish woman for a 17-year-old prostitute! The hell!

So what is up with that, Grimace? OK, you can give me a great big hug.

I’m starting to worry about who all is reading this.

You wouldn’t believe how much I just cut out of the opening paragraph.

And that’s when I knew that my life would be forever changed.