Some of the copy I’ve been writing has been “funny” headlines, and we just had a pitch meeting with a client where one of the sample ads went, as I think I’ve mentioned before, “Man suffers groin injury in croquet debacle.” It became the default headline text and people were bandying it about in very matter-of-fact voices, forgetting the meaning of the words after a while, with big cheeses on the speakerphone saying stuff like, “What if we move the photo down here, and slide the croquet groin injury up over there,” etc. I felt a small flush of pride. My downfall begins here.

Obviously speakerphones are a big part of the business but I’ve never had to deal with them before. I’m convinced you have to use them for at least six months before you can understand what anyone’s saying. I’m also not so good at knowing where to look while talking into them, or whether I should say “goodbye” when there’s a bunch of us in the conference room. It’s similar to my inability to use a cellphone out in public — I feel very vulnerable holding a conversation outside and find it pretty much impossible to do anything else while using it, including driving or walking or seeing.

I did really enjoy the silent communication that went on between my co-workers, however: quick notes written on the whiteboard, encouraging nods, the throat-slitting hand gesture. Makes me think of how videophones will never take off which of course makes me think of the part in IJ about the comforting illusion of the telephone: You assume the person on the other end is paying total attention to you even while you doodle or cut your nails or look at the handset in disgust (“Shit, negro, that’s all you had to say.”) or whatnot.

One of my co-workers has the same name as the brand name for sucrose polyester, a fat substitute that has so many fatty acid spokes around its central core that digestive enzymes and bacteria in the intestinal tract can’t find an entry point to break down the molecule. As a result, it passes through the body without releasing any fat or calories. Side effects include abdominal cramps, diarrhea, incontinence, hyperborborigmus, flatus, anal leakage, oily fecal matter, nausea, and vomiting. It can be found in Fat Free Pringles and Frito-Lay WOW Chips.