the house of wigs

the house of wigs / the diary of a copywriter, written on company time, billed to the client


#1

I am now living in a new state. They have Snapple everywhere here. EVVVVVRRRRRYWHERRRRRRE. Imagine I’m Gary Oldman in The Professional saying that, my neck-veins standing out as I mega-emote in my wrinkled khaki suit. Hold that image in your mind like a precious jewel. Watch it glimmer. Are you… »



#2

This is my third week on the job and I still have nothing to do. I mean, obviously. This morning I wrote an article about living in a motel for a month. KF told me about this stealth browser that lets you read websites but it sort of looks like… »



#3

I went with the Orangeade today. I’m all: [ … ] Really at least one foot into Kool-Aid territory, I’m thinking. KF is plotting a beverage-related site and I’m all: [rubbing hands together in wicked glee] I’m reminded of when my friend told me he hoped that I wrote “Nervous… »



#4

I am no longer allowed to write about beverages here because I’m going to be writing about them someplace else, but I thought I’d wrap up the iced-tea-n-lemonade topic since a couple people wrote in about that. Evidently calling that sweet concoction an “Arnold Palmer” is not something peculiar to… »



#5

I’m not used to being bad at my job. So far I’m stinking up the joint. I’m sluggish and amateurish. I do not know the lingo and miss most of the references. I’ve never worked in advertising before and in fact have spent most of my life actively loathing it…. »



#6

In case you were doubting that I’m working for a dotcom throwback, that such a thing could even exist, let me just say I’m currently sitting in an Aeron chair and leave it at that. And it was only today, in my fourth week, that I started to play with… »



#7

I got my business cards today. They are heavy, and embossed. No, wait — what’s the awful Photoshop filter? Is that Emboss? Bevel? I think I mean Emboss. Also, the corners are super-sharp. I think, if in a bind, I could maybe stab it into the tender flesh between my… »



#8

Last night on the way home, the daily Dead Deer was in the middle of the highway. I had to swerve to miss it. Did its lifeless eyes light up and glare at me as my headlights reflected off them? I will not answer that. Then this morning I saw… »



#9

This weekend I got pulled over for speeding, having an expired registration and broken window, and lacking an inspection sticker entirely. Or rather I was pulled over for one of those, and the officer on the scene noticed the other three while spreading my legs with his billy club, as… »



#10

So I called my local internet provider today to iron out a few wrinkles with my new service, namely its hundred-percent total broked-ness, and they put me on hold to check on something or — if I know anything about phone-based customer service, and I believe I do — or… »



#11

The big move is this weekend. I’ve moved every 1-2 years since I left home for college. The concept of staying at the same home or neighborhood or job for longer than two years is almost unfathomable at this point, although I’d totally be up for it. I’m not a… »



#12

Some of the copy I’ve been writing has been “funny” headlines, and we just had a pitch meeting with a client where one of the sample ads went, as I think I’ve mentioned before, “Man suffers groin injury in croquet debacle.” It became the default headline text and people were… »



#13

In the croquet groin meeting yesterday they were talking about the client we’d be speakerphoning with and how he was young and smart and talented and sharp and whatnot and I said, “Wow — is he single?” And during the following couple of seconds of silence it occurred to me… »



#14

The move was an excercise in dread and horror. I mean, obviously. The bruises and lacerations, the shrill chaos, the sickly sweat, the heart palpitations, the loss of faith in any sort of god or god-analogue. Also, the overfilled U-Haul feeling like it was going to topple over every time… »



#15

In my mind’s eye, the idealized Reader Of This Site is a big, fuzzy, amorphous, super-interested and -supportive monster who is always leaning forward, always nodding, and always about to say something but then never actually does because I always say what they’re about to say right before they even… »



#16

OK so sometimes I’ll type a co-worker’s name into Google to see if they have a tell-all weblog or whatnot. People are supposed to be vaguely web-savvy around here and there are some writers and designers and whatnot, so I figure a handful might have some website on the side…. »



#17

Today I’m attaching a binder clip to the tender flesh between my thumb and forefinger until I can’t stands no more. Tomorrow I’ll be picking up a U-haul van, filling it with the junk from our old place that we can’t trick the Salvation Army into taking, and then driving… »



#18

Today I’m wearing a khaki shirt and blue pants! How about that, bitches! I’ve pretty much flipped the script. I’m strutting around the office and everyone’s all: Who is that guy? What is his story, I wonder? His look is quite fresh! Maybe these pants are black. Hang on. Yeah,… »



#19

God, I’m bored. God, I am bored. And then God makes a box of Travel Scrabble appear in my hands, just like in The Young Ones. I ask Famine if he’s up for a game but he says no, and tells me to throw the box on the giant pile… »



#20

I think it’s almost better to have an undecorated cubicle than the sparsely decorated one I now have. This week I added a little Boards of Canada sticker, two wind-up robots that my mother-in-law-to-be gave me for Christmas, and a little sticker playset that A. gave me for my birthday… »



#21

All right, let’s lay it down, clown. I got two emails yesterday asking if it was “OK” to link to this site. I’m all: [exaggerated double-take] Dudes, of course it’s OK. When the dames ask my little brother what he’s thinking about, he says: “If I wanted you to know,… »



#22

People seem teeny-tiny on the east coast. So petite. Little wiry knots of vim and vigor. Me, I GIGANTIC. I FROM CALIFORNIA. People expand to take up the available room in their state, is my thinking. Which reminds me of Richard E. Grant’s autobiography where he describes going to LA… »



#23

I spent maybe 20 minutes on the toilet yesterday. Dude, I totally just wrote the quintessential weblog opening line. Anyway, I wasn’t “going #2” (in fifth grade there was a hugely successful running joke about having to go #3 [#1 + #2] or #5 or #7, each with their own… »



#24

Wait, did I just hear someone dial a number that sounded like the Mary Tyler Moore theme song? That’s like my old high-school friend whose number played “Old McDonald had a farm.” Which further reminds me of my ex-girlfriend whose number spelled out JAY-LENO (and her cousin’s was VAN-PELT, if… »



#25

My “take-away” from the holiday weekend was basically: If you’re going to be surly, bitter, cynical, unfriendly, fat, difficult, complex, and high-maintenance, you should at least be some kind of genius artist. So I’ve added that to the “things to do” Post-It that lives in my mind and goes by… »



#26

My cubiclemate moved this past weekend and one of the mover guys rode in her car (emphasis mine) for the three-hour trip and evidently hit on her the whole time but the kicker is that he actually said the words: “Hey, are you into Krokus?” I had to buy this… »



#27

Finally fucking found the water cooler. I’m working at this joint almost two months now (and yet am still relying on the “I’m the new kid” excuse for incompetence and awkward social encounters) and just now I learn there’s a water cooler. The hell. I’m all: “This place needs a… »



#28

This morning in the shower, as I vigorously loofah’d, I thought about maybe getting drunk at work. One of my bosses at another job always kept a jug of vodka in her desk (vodka which I used to euthanize our dying office goldfish, where “euthanize” meant, in this case, sending… »



#29

Today I’m wearing a polo shirt for the first time since probably sixth grade. And, hell-o, I am loving it, people, for reals! I put an extra coat of conditioner on my chest hair so it’ll look shiny and decadent if it peeks out through my plunging v-neck. […] Buttoning… »



#30

Evidently some overheated fans found the bare feet and sort-of-visible nipples of one of the stock-photo models for a particular financial institution ve-he-he-ry appealing and had to post at length on message boards about it. And now, to capitalize upon this popularity, the company is trying to flesh out her… »



#31

Last night I had a dream that North Korea bombed various U.S. targets but a) I didn’t know about it for a day or so because I was out at the movies, and b) I found out from Metafilter. It’s always a little humiliating to wake up from a dream… »



#32

Holy cats, the years of bone-crushing misery are finally over. As promised, I went home and played on the Gameboy, or rather, played a Gameboy game through the TV set, which is pretty sweet if you’re like me and enjoy the little perky pixelated games but do not enjoy squinting… »



#33

Cokehead at work asks where I would go if time-travel was like an actual reality and I say 1978 Seattle to hang out with Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart. I play them an MP3 of “These Dreams” from their self-titled 1985 LP and talk about the corsets and the… »



#34

My cubicle buddy got all kinds of pregnant (totally not guilty — everyone knows I shoot blanks) and then her doctor told her to stay at home and take it easy for the last trimester (I carefully prepared a pointed and charismatic theory about how trimester was some kind of… »



#35

The deli I frequent is unfortunately an Official Parrothead Party HQ. And you’re pretty much rolling the dice with the roast beef. And there’s definitely a little tension between the husband and wife. But it’s nearby so I go there all the time and I’m recognized as a regular even… »



#36

I had my job review yesterday and here are some highlights from the writeup: “the occasional attitude slip,” “a sense of surliness,” “his tone became negatively sarcastic,” “sarcastically interjected,” “an uncalled for comment toward a valued member of the team,” “cleverly sarcastic.” Well EXCUUUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEEEEEEE ha ha I kid of… »



#37

The red beans and rice were more like Red Buttons and Condoleezza Rice having costume sex in the den and making me watch and like take notes, is how unsavory it was, is my awsum simile hitting home for you. I don’t see how you can put cayenne pepper and… »



#38

Trini was at her wedding shower yesterday, and I don’t know how it went because I was already passed out by the time she got home, stinking of kitchen gadgets and stripper musk (her, not me [I think]), but I had the place to myself all day and it pretty… »



#39

Fuck you George Foreman and your big meaty brain-damaged head. You think I didn’t think of taking those grilled-cheese-sandwich makers and quadrupling the size so you can cook anything in there? You think you’re so much better than me because a steak I cooked in your dumb grill turned out… »



#40

We’ve turned a corner, people, folks, and we’re not turning back. And as I find myself on the verge of getting married, and I find myself having to use Google to remember Kirk Hammett’s name, and I find myself having to stop and think and count on my fingers to… »



#41

You don’t often recognize a particular event as a turning point in your life until after the fact, when you can look back and see the precise moment everything changed. But once in a while the turning point is so big and obvious that you can’t miss it. So I’m… »



#42

My new standard joke at Petco is I go and stock up on like a hundred cans of cat food and cart them to the register and the clerk brings out their enforced friendly chatter and asks — every single time — “Oh! How many cats do you have?” and… »



#43

There are these new “please put litter in its place” sort of signs in the men’s room, which I assume are code for “please make every attempt to shit more or less inside the bowl and then please flush thoroughly, gentle sirs,” but today there was a new addendum, not… »



#44

Well I’ve officially worn out the word cunt when yelling at my fellow drivers — omg if you can even call that driving!! Vehicular rape more like!!!!! I mean it served me well for many months, besting the previous champeen: “I shall blog the shit out your sorry driving tonight!”… »



#45

So I’m sitting there on the commode, a little bit sad because ever since the guy in the wheelchair started working here I’ve felt a little guilty about using the extra-large wheelchair-friendly stall, because what if he comes in and needs to use it, like posthaste? Some sort of terrible… »



#46

OK what are our next steps. I wish I was a fucking idiot because then wouldn’t life be sort of awesome? Everything would be really funny, decisions would be easy, having fun would be easy, sleeping would be easy, going to the beach would be enjoyable, there would always be… »



#47

Hot on the heels of my crepuscular (I don’t even know what that means but I couldn’t bring myself to write “craptacular”*) performance review comes a meeting to discuss my future with the company. My goals and plans, charting the erect-phallus-like trajectory of my rapacious career. This is coming up… »



#48

OK I give my job the stinkfinger on a regular basis, but last week was pretty good, I have to admit. First off, one of our clients hooked us up with a plush suite at the US Open. I assumed it’d be like box seats, like a glassed-in cell, but… »



#49

Sometimes my life will be too rich and hearty to allow me the necessary ten minutes it takes to write in this space, so I’ll just jot down what I’d like to cover when I next get a chance. The most recent note went: “wacky rants about cellphones! what the… »



#50

I like when the guys here have their own personal casual Fridays. Even though every day is pretty casual, they still tuck things in and sport sweater vests and slacks M-Th, but then let their hair down on F with some jeans and loafers, perhaps a nice breezy polo shirt…. »



#51

Another milestone today: For months I’ve been pitching taglines that go “Savor the flavor of [x],” where x equals some cheese product or beer product or whatever — it pretty much works for anything — and a client finally OK’d one this morning. The source of the phrase is the… »



#52

OK back from getting married, sorry ladies but that there is the awful truth, you may as well dry your tears and start trawling the meth clinics or like Wal-Marts for a new crush. The wedding was good — my grandma got drunk and I think the first dance I… »



#53

I had to interview a copywriter the other day, and I think the intent is to find someone fresh out of school whose soul is still bright and shiny within their [ideally ample] breast, who still believes in the redeeming power of advertising, who gets excited by the novelty of… »



#54

Yeah I voted the shit out of that vote this morning. Took me forever to find a parking spot over by the magnet school, and here’s me, unsuccessfully trying to parallel park: “I’m being fucking disenfranchised over here!” This place sported the old-school switch-n-lever booths, which were new to me…. »



#55

Thanks a lot, internet, for getting my hopes up. I really appreciate it, internet. Oh you stupid internet. BITCHFACE INTERNET. Why do I keep forgetting that you are run by people who look to Lord of the Rings for political philosophy. (“Even the smallest hobbit can make a difference!!!!!”) Oh… »



#56

I like how Word is so decrepit and sluggish that sometimes it takes 5-6 seconds to display a document when I switch over from another application, and you might be all boo hoo look at the poor fat baby and his terrible life but when that other application is a… »



#57

Remember when I first started this job and had nothing to do? And so I’m all: Shit boy, this is my big chance to start a fancy anonymous blog! FI-nally I have the time to do something super-meaningful with my life! And then the world became prettier and more awesome… »



#58

First off there’s the woman who may or may not be a midget. I mean there are midgets, right, but then there are unusually short people and I can’t tell with her, I really can’t. She is certainly below cubicle-wall height. I have to ask. I must know. “Are you… »



#59

So we’re making Christmas cookies this weekend with the little nieces, and the little nieces have a predilection for the messy work, the tasks that involve sticking one’s hands in melted chocolate or dough or sprinkles, and I’m looking for volunteers to help me with a particularly sloppy task and… »



#60

I’ma be writing over at my other thing for a while. Contact H. Candido for details…. »



the house of wigs is yet another career-killing project from fireland

shout out to movable & misprinted type
and to god for blessing me with these hot blogging skills amen